There’s always a very heavy weight on my shoulder and in my heart when it comes to visiting family relatives. Tomorrow’s the new year. Already set a plan with my brother to meet “some of them”. But just minutes ago I was having a flashback on I-don’t-know-what-year when I came to visit the same bunch and they made comments about my make up. How I managed to beautify. But also, found a way to harass me about my pimple bits that had only peeked up because of — well, I wouldn’t know — but there must had been a cause for that. Suddenly the memory hit me. I will never be good enough for them (or anyone, perhaps). Probably it would be easier if it’s just some strangers on the street that calls you skinny or your colleague you barely know thinks you look pale, but this is your family. They WILL see and find (and unfortunately, that is) more of the worse parts than anything else.
So my brother had to go to the meeting alone. But then I realized that he doesn’t really know the address (and I do) so minutes later I changed my mind and said I’ll go, but just because I don’t want him to get lost. Again, something hit me. Why would I change from not-going to yes-I’ll-go when I had the chance to curl up in my bed a whole day and not listen to crap mumblings from people you wish you’d make a good relationship with? I guess the answer was that I care about my brother. He’s not even a little kid, but sometimes I feel like I have to do something. And that’s why I decided to keep going with the meeting plan although I knew that there would be a huge possibility for me to listen to much more crap mumblings when we get there. I still don’t know what would be my reaction. At most, I might be angry and leave the place in a sudden, but I hope I wouldn’t have to do that.
HAPPY NEW YEAR.